You know what they say: idle hands are the devil’s workshop. So, when it’s flat in the Gulf and I can’t get to the other Coast, wicked things are bound to happen. This recent flat spell turned out to be a poignant adventure down relationship lane, a fact-finding mission complete with injuries both figurative and literal. Here is what I’ve learned:
1) Always like him only as much as he likes you, never more. There is a delicate balance that must be maintained between the amount of ‘liking’ that occurs between the man and the woman. He must always feel like he cannot really possess you or he will not want to and he will dump you.
2) Be sexy, but not too sexual. Girlfriends are not supposed to come pre-corrupted. Men want to feel comfortable introducing you to mom and dad and then transform you into their very own dirty mistress in the bedroom. If you mention anal too early, he will dump you.
3) He can smell your fear. Don’t have any. It is permissible to express your concerns about things that do not involve him so that he can make you feel better, but if you are feeling insecure about any aspect of the relationship, do not, under any circumstances, say so, or he will dump you.
4) Never appear as though you are trying too hard to please him. But always keep him satisfied or he will seek satisfaction elsewhere. This applies both emotionally and physically. If he feels like you are trying too hard, he will dump you.
5) Never “need to talk” about anything. You should just feel calm and at ease all the time no matter what. “Needing to talk” implies that you are not perfectly secure and serene in every way and he will dump you.
6) Do not let on that you know that you are more attractive than him. In fact, do your best to be just slightly ‘less than’ him on every level, but ‘more than’ all other women everywhere. If you don’t, he will dump you.
7) Be average. If you are too amazing, men will “do you a favor” and dump you because you “deserve someone better.” But don’t be too average either or he will dump you.
8) He can make your day, but he cannot hurt your feelings. He must never know that he possesses the power to hurt your feelings. Power implies responsibility and responsibility is overwhelming. If he is afraid of hurting your feelings, he will dump you.
9) When posting on Facebook, remember that he’ll assume all your updates are about him, but you must never assume that any of his activity has anything to do with you. Do not, for instance, ask him why another girl ‘checked him in’ at The Booby Trap while he was “helping his mom with something.” If you can’t keep Facebook separate from real life, he will dump you.
10) Do not have needs. The only needs you have are food, sleep and sex (but not too much—see #2) You do not have other needs. You do not, for example, poop. If he realizes that you are not just fun and pretty, but a living, breathing human being, he will dump you.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I feel it necessary to explicitly state, for my younger female audience and the humor-challenged among you, that this is just satire. If you don’t know what satire is, you can look it up here.
My real advice: Be yourself, at all times. If you have a question, ask it. If you have feelings, share them. If you want to fuck, say so. You’re fine just as you are. The right person will not care that you can’t do laundry or that you sometimes poop; they will not mind explaining status updates to you or feel threatened by yours. It’s risky business, though, dating. Someone almost always gets hurt. Trust me, sometimes you fall for someone who just doesn’t “feel that spark” for you, and that sucks. But hey, maybe the danger is half the fun.
Relationships are about growth, even the failed ones. My coach, Matt, teaches: practice makes permanent. I’m careful not to practice bad habits. I pay attention and make corrections along the way so that I can get better. We all can.