10 Tips for Keeping Your Man

Posted by: on Dec 11, 2012 | 15 Comments

You know what they say: idle hands are the devil’s workshop. So, when it’s flat in the Gulf and I can’t get to the other Coast, wicked things are bound to happen.AUTHOR’S NOTE: I feel it necessary to explicitly state, for my younger female audience and the humor-challenged among you, that this is just satire. If you don’t know what satire is, you can look it up here.

This recent flat spell turned out to be a poignant adventure down relationship lane, a fact-finding mission complete with injuries both figurative and literal. Here is what I’ve learned:

1) Always like him only as much as he likes you, never more. There is a delicate balance that must be maintained between the amount of ‘liking’ that occurs between the man and the woman. He must always feel like he cannot really possess you or he will not want to and he will dump you.

2) Be sexy, but not too sexual. Girlfriends are not supposed to come pre-corrupted. Men want to feel comfortable introducing you to mom and dad and then transform you into their very own dirty mistress in the bedroom. If you mention anal too early, he will dump you.

3) He can smell your fear. Don’t have any. It is permissible to express your concerns about things that do not involve him so that he can make you feel better, but if you are feeling insecure about any aspect of the relationship, do not, under any circumstances, say so, or he will dump you.

4) Never appear as though you are trying too hard to please him. But always keep him satisfied or he will seek satisfaction elsewhere. This applies both emotionally and physically. If he feels like you are trying too hard, he will dump you.

5) Never “need to talk” about anything. You should just feel calm and at ease all the time no matter what. “Needing to talk” implies that you are not perfectly secure and serene in every way and he will dump you.

6) Do not let on that you know that you are more attractive than him. In fact, do your best to be just slightly ‘less than’ him on every level, but ‘more than’ all other women everywhere. If you don’t, he will dump you.

7) Be average. If you are too amazing, men will “do you a favor” and dump you because you “deserve someone better.” But don’t be too average either or he will dump you.

8) He can make your day, but he cannot hurt your feelings. He must never know that he possesses the power to hurt your feelings. Power implies responsibility and responsibility is overwhelming. If he is afraid of hurting your feelings, he will dump you.

9) When posting on Facebook, remember that he’ll assume all your updates are about him, but you must never assume that any of his activity has anything to do with you. Do not, for instance, ask him why another girl ‘checked him in’ at The Booby Trap while he was “helping his mom with something.” If you can’t keep Facebook separate from real life, he will dump you.

10) Do not have needs. The only needs you have are food, sleep and sex (but not too much—see #2) You do not have other needs. You do not, for example, poop. If he realizes that you are not just fun and pretty, but a living, breathing human being, he will dump you.

My real advice: Be yourself, at all times. If you have a question, ask it. If you have feelings, share them. If you want to fuck, say so. You’re fine just as you are. The right person will not care that you can’t do laundry or that you sometimes poop; they will not mind explaining status updates to you or feel threatened by yours. It’s risky business, though, dating. Someone almost always gets hurt. Trust me, sometimes you fall for someone who just doesn’t “feel that spark” for you, and that sucks. But hey, maybe the danger is half the fun.

Relationships are about growth, even the failed ones. My coach, Matt, teaches: practice makes permanent. I’m careful not to practice bad habits. I pay attention and make corrections along the way so that I can get better. We all can.

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15 Comments

  1. Michael Schneider
    December 11, 2012

    > “Be yourself, at all times.”

    That’s a great principle, for both women •and• men.

    Thanks for a great post!

    ~MS

    Reply
  2. Matt
    December 11, 2012

    I like #9- I assume everything written on Facebook is about me in some way, shape, or form. Some updates take me a few months to connect to my own life, but in the end they all do :)

    Reply
  3. Jess
    December 11, 2012

    Funny cuz it’s true

    Reply
  4. Troy C.
    December 11, 2012

    what the fuck kinda moron is dumping you?

    Reply
  5. winslow
    December 11, 2012

    nice post, Katrina. glad to see your sense of humor is alive and well!

    -W-

    Reply
  6. Zach
    December 12, 2012

    Why does Gulfster provide a platform for this garbage?

    Reply
    • Jason
      December 12, 2012

      Exactly. If not for somewhat of a cute looking girl they wouldn’t be promoting it. Sad that they’d prefer this over the many more intelligent/entertaining blogs. Gulfster failed on us on this one.

      Reply
    • Bfisch
      December 12, 2012

      If you cannot comprehend what you’re reading, stop and go watch a reality show or cartoons.

      Reply
  7. Katrina Costedio
    December 12, 2012

    Hi Guys,

    I’m sorry that you do not like my blog— I realize it is not for everyone.

    However, don’t fault Gulfster. Like most media outlets, Gulfster’s revenue comes from advertising. I pay to support Gulfster. He has not singled me out of the hundreds of other surf blogs out there; I singled him out. He is a nice guy and goes out of his way to help support my blog, but it is a two-way street. So, go ahead and hate me, I can take it. But don’t take it out on Ryan. He is doing his job so that we can all have the surf report. Thanks for clicking and for giving me a chance, I’m sorry it didn’t work out.

    Have a great holiday season,
    Katrina

    Reply
    • Bruce
      December 12, 2012

      Haters are going to hate. Trolls are like that. ;-)

      Keeps up that writing, as many people, including myself find it entertaining.

      Prey for Gulf bumps…

      Reply
  8. Surf Daddeo
    February 1, 2013

    To you guys that found this blog objectionable… Surfing isn’t only about the wave… Its more about the journey… ergo, Surfari… think about your surfing adventures and the percentage of time you spent on your feet, riding a wave, compared to the time anticipating… getting there… being there…reminiscing… And sometimes the Surfari is simply our lives… woven around our surfing… Its why we are called surfers… This blog is a window into one surfer’s personal world… choose to peer in… or not… and if not, just click on… no comment necessary… You go Surfer Girl…

    Reply
  9. jiujitsu-addict
    May 22, 2013

    those 10 tips are basically the same advice given to men in the PUA community…the shit works, too! ;-)

    Reply
  10. Jess
    August 21, 2013

    This had me laughing out loud, on the verge of tears – spurned equally by hilarity and the creeping shadows immense doubt of self and well-balanced love/courtship in our society. Hahahaha…hahah…. ha. ;)

    Reply
  11. Katrina Costedio
    August 21, 2013

    It’s been months since I wrote this, and I’m now in a secure, committed relationship. And it’s funny because right from the beginning he liked me just the way I am and I didn’t have to go through any BS. With this new experience, I have new advice: When it is right, it will be easy.

    Reply

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