When I was with Brad (before I surfed), I used to pray that the ocean would be flat on Christmas. For Brad, waves trumped Holiday (and Katrina). And while I still wouldn’t ditch my loved ones on Christmas to shred, now I relate to the desire.
It’s been flat here, I’ve been too busy to travel and the last time we did have waves, I was chained to my desk being responsible. Being out of the ocean too long causes a pervasive dissonance. An unnerving feeling that something is not quite right. Over time this feeling grows, like mold, into what could only be classified as depression. My shiny world looks tarnished and dull.
And my world is very shiny; It’s perfect, in fact. I wake up every day to the lyrical chatter of the world’s most awesome kid, drive him to the world’s best Montessori school, and return to my desk to do precisely what I would do all day even if no one was paying me (but they do pay me— handsomely). It doesn’t really get much better than that.
Yet here I sit wearing my crankypants, mired in daydreams of glassy, head high barrels, wishing things were, well, different. This worries me. There was a time in my life when I would drown unwelcome feelings with Jack Daniels. When I got clean, I learned that actions can be dangerous, but feelings never are. So these days, even though I don’t reach for the bottle, if I find myself wanting to change the way I feel, it’s a red flag that something is amiss. I don’t want surfing to be just another Jack Daniels.
I don’t want to run from my feelings or my life. I want to be present for all of it—good, bad and indifferent. It’s hard work, though. Lately, I’m realizing that the good feelings can be even harder to handle than the bad ones. Sometimes, it seems like I’ll go to any length to push away the things (the people) I want the most. The irony is not lost on me.
For today, I’m going to accept the way I feel without trying to change it. I am going to focus on what is right in front of me, and let everything else take care of itself. I will surf again; sooner than later, I’m sure.